


Paranoia Kaleidoscope

by BlueberryPixie



Category: New Avengers (Comics), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 23:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18766867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberryPixie/pseuds/BlueberryPixie
Summary: During a mission that went sideways, Wiccan and Squirrel Girl are compromised. The New Avengers struggle to keep their teammates from going completely off the deep end, but can they do that when what they see might not be what's there?





	Paranoia Kaleidoscope

Being part of Roberto Da Costa's New Avengers was like nothing Teddy Altman ever experienced before. By then he had lived The Life on and off for several years, and was involved in everything from helping old women cross the street, to fighting off alien invasions led by his own people. He saw Asgard fall, lived through Norman Osborn's reign, and was part of the incident that likely attributed to the eventual war between the Avengers and X-Men.  
But that was all done as part of a teen group. Their resources were Kate Bishop's credit card, and Billy Kaplan's - his boyfriend's - reality warping powers that let them save on uniform refurbishing and damages. They had to improvise getting to places; they had to use code when texting each other because all they had were public networks; they only learned of things _after_ they happened. And for all Kate's indulgence and generosity, they didn't really have that much of a budget.   
Roberto Da Costa, on the other hand, had both the means and intent to spoil his New Avengers as much as financially possible. An HQ with living quarters, new uniform and replacements (which neither shapeshifter Teddy nor reality warping Billy needed, but they still appreciated the gesture), encrypted communications and an intelligence network. For once they knew things were going to happen in advance and could act on that knowledge.   
Of course, smart as Roberto's AIM was, they were still human. Humans could be outdone and humans made mistakes. So when the evil-scientist facility of the day went boom, releasing a gas of dubious nature and origin to the air on top of it all, it wasn't so much impossible as it was disappointing and a cause for some concern.   
  
"Ave-- 'me in. Can y--- anyone?!" Roberto's voice rang in the comm piece in Teddy's ear, torn apart by static and the ringing Teddy wished went away already. The air was heavy with smoke, dust and a sweet tasting _something_ that made Teddy lightheaded, but he shook his head and focused. After all, he didn't go there alone, and however bad he was, his teammates were likely worse off. He squinted, eyes shifting to accommodate the harsher environment. It only served him for a short while until Songbird cleared the fog from above, making it easier to spot the others.   
Ava was holding up Doreen, who seemed particularly unsteady, while Victor was next to Billy, who was busy throwing up. Pushing aside the pang of badly timed jealousy at the fact Vic found Billy first, Teddy approached the two and was oddly relieved when Billy fell against him. Yeah, that was better.  
  
"Not our proudest moment, huh?" Vic asked no one in particular and was proven right when Doreen let out a shriek and kicked Tippy Toe into the air. Ava moved to restrain her, while Teddy tightened his hold around Billy. He could hear Songbird calling in the evac, as well as the colorful choice words she had about their situation. Someone in intel was getting demoted, Teddy knew but couldn't care much, not when Billy was shivering like that. And when a stroke of black flashed through his eyes, more than a trick of the light, Teddy had half a mind to fly them back himself.  
  
–  
  
The gas was categorized as a psychogenic hallucinogen. Given one of the victims was a nigh omnipotent reality warper, and another was the undefeated queen of squirrels, the chem team was losing sleep to come up with an antidote, or at least a more optimistic prognosis. Of course, as these two were the ones with the fiercest reactions, they were the ones under most scrutiny, but the group as a whole was kept under tight supervision and, for all effects and purposes, under house arrest. It persisted even after the discovery and administration of the treatment, as side effects were unfortunately a given.   
For the most part, there were few surprises with what came next. Ava and Doreen still gravitated towards each other, with Ava doing her best to explain to Doreen it wasn't her fault, a notion Tippy Toe shared and chirped frequently at her partner. Doreen was nodding as she held Tippy tightly, and promised due acorn recompense anyway. It was a heartwarming scene Songbird appreciated while she kept watch over her charges, as was the scene unfolding not too far from there.   
Having imprinted on Victor as a baby chick would, Billy refused to leave his side, holding onto him and Teddy both - a fact Teddy scarce appreciated but could do little about. Billy hardly said anything since the explosion, though he certainly muttered a lot, and his eyes, darting constantly around, spoke volumes - to Teddy, at least. More than once, Teddy wiped a splotch of dark goop from his eyes, a task Ava repeated on her end with Doreen. Teddy thus decided that the fact he needed to do that for Billy less since the cure was given was a good sign, and it wasn't long before Billy finally released his hold.  
  
"That's some grip," Victor declared when he was finally let go. Billy offered him half a smile, a minute indication he was at least aware of his situation. Teddy on his part was not granted his freedom, but he was more than alright with finally having Billy to himself, as he still felt strongly the need not to let him get too far away.  
  
–  
  
The NA were still grounded the following day for further observation. One could never be too cautious, they said, and Teddy couldn't agree more; he had no qualms with being Billy's escort for as long as it took and then some, after all. But even aside from that, the assumed nature of the gas they were exposed to made him wary. It was enough to make Doreen on edge and unpredictable, violent towards even Tippy Toe - and she was by far one of the most good natured and well adjusted individuals on the team. And then there was Billy, with a history of depression and anxiety that peaked in some bad, bad attempts he had only recently told Teddy about. Events that could've taken him away from Teddy and their future together, _damn_ you, _Loki_ \--  
  
"I'm fine," Billy kept insisting, but Teddy knew that look in his eyes, distant and hollow, often reflecting at Teddy from a window. He knew that tired, bitter smile, that said Billy knew how to _fix_ things - that he had a plan B at the ready. Teddy knew Billy at his worst, and no matter how much Toni and Max insisted that the gas was incomplete, that it would wear off completely within the next 24 hours, that was still plenty of time for Billy to do something really, _really stupid_ they'd all regret. It was that fear that kept Teddy up, keeping an eye on his slumbering lover until he finally fell into a restless sleep a bit before dawn.  
  
–  
  
When Teddy woke up, it was to an empty bed. He had crawled half over Billy's side but the guy was nowhere to be found. "Billy?!" he called as he shot up, looking for any sign of his boyfriend. The room was empty, and the door to the bathroom was open thanks to a strategically discarded piece of clothing. Teddy could tell - he wasn't in there, either.  
"Oh no," he muttered, something cold sinking inside him. It worsened when he felt something moist under his hand and looked down at Billy's pillow. The cover was stained with a dark goop-like substance, the kind Teddy spent the better part of the last couple of days wiping away.  
"Billy!"  
He was out the door in an instant, looking every which way for Billy. He eventually took a turn at random and started running, nearly knocking out two beekeepers in the process. Billy was nowhere to be found, so Teddy picked up the pace until he saw Doreen, and-- and _Victor_. His sight flashed red, but if Vic was there, maybe Billy was, too, or at least he knew where he was.  
  
"Woah, Teddy, slow--"  
  
"Have you seen Billy?!"  
  
"What, no-- wait, you- are _you_ ok--"  
  
"Where is he?!"  
  
"Ted, calm down, we don't-- wait _you_ should go to-- Teddy!" Doreen cried out when Teddy flew away, feeling that was a better scouting strategy. Talking to them was a waste of time, he couldn't trust anyone but himself when it came to Billy. He'd find him, he knew he would. Billy promised to always find him and Teddy intended to respond in kind, before-- before Billy did something _bad_ , which he was going to do, as Teddy found him atop one of the towers. He was standing on the edge, still in his pajamas, staring down at the ground far, far below. He didn't look away when Teddy landed next to him, he simply smiled. Dark streaks painted down his cheeks and there was hardly any white left in his eyes. Teddy swore he heard his heart breaking.  
  
"Billy...? Hey, hey Bee, it's ok. It's going to be ok, just-- step back a bit, alright?"   
He wouldn't be able to catch him, Teddy knew, not with his clumsy flight. And if Billy didn't want to be caught, he'd simply dodge, flit out of Teddy's hold and down, down he'd go...  
"Billy, _please_. I'm begging you, don't--"  
  
Billy looked at him, smile wide and bright and framed by black. He reached out, but as soon as Teddy's fingers brushed against his, Billy stepped forward. What could Teddy do? He leaped after him.  
  
"No-- Billy!"  
  
" _Teddy_!"  
  
A cry from-- behind him? No, but Billy was in front-- gone, Billy was gone, all that was left was a long drop and the ground below, or so he thought. He was pulled up by _something_ , spun and then the skies opened above him, a beautiful sight, before he was placed gently on the roof, trails of faint blue light holding him in place. He climbed up to all fours, catching his breath as black tears fell from his face down to the floor. Black tears like Billy's, who was-- was _right there_ when Teddy looked, alive and close and looking so worried and scared but _alive_ and--  
  
"Billy!"  
  
"I'm here, Tee," Billy reassured and took careful, slow steps towards Teddy. "I'm here, I got you. You'll be fine."  
  
"So long as you don't jump, I will be, yeah! What was that about?!"  
  
That gave Billy pause as realization hit, but then he closed the distance, kneeling next to Teddy who _really_ wanted to hug the guy but was still magically restrained.   
  
"Hey, get these off, ok? I'm not in the mood, and I'd like to hug you. Please?"  
  
Ignoring that plea caused Billy physical pain, but he resisted regardless, instead cupping Teddy's cheek with a hand. Teddy leaned into the touch, relished it for as long as it lasted. And then Billy pulled away, and his hand was smeared with black that wasn't there before. For a mercy, Teddy had enough clarity to realize what that meant.  
  
"Oh, that's mine, isn't it?"  
  
Billy nodded and resumed wiping Teddy's face clean. "Yep."  
  
"Heh, oh, that's bad, isn't it?"  
  
"Yep," Billy repeated, then sighed softly. "Ted, I need you to take a small nap for me, ok?"  
  
"No!" Teddy objected, suddenly pulling forward, struggling against his restraints. "I'll miss you, I'll _lose_ you!" Thankfully, they wavered but held, as did Billy's determination.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be with you until you get better."  
  
"You promise?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
"Then promise."  
  
"I did."  
  
"Again!"  
  
"I promise."  
  
It wasn't enough. It would never be enough, they both knew, certainly not like this, but it was barely enough for Teddy to let his guard down so Billy could cast that spell, knocking Teddy out and limp against him. As Teddy fell forward, still crying and calling out to him, that was when Billy felt his heart break.  
  
–  
  
Teddy wasn't sure how long he was out, only that when he finally opened his eyes, it was the familiar ceiling of their room above him and the flashing lights of their TV that greeted him. Everything hurt and his head was killing him, but a grueling pit where his gut was supposed to be made him push himself up-- and finally he let out a relieved breath. Billy was there, sitting on the floor with his back to the bed, controller in hand and headset resting on his shoulders, close enough so he could hear the game, but not at the cost of hearing anything else. Noises like the rustling of sheets when Teddy moved, or that relieved groan he let out. Pause was hit and Billy was up and by Teddy's side the next second, and Teddy wasted no time in hugging his waist, face buried in Billy's chest over his heartbeat. Billy hugged back, hand buried in Teddy's hair. He said nothing while he stood there, at most resting a knee on the bed to support himself.   
After a while Teddy finally - if begrudgingly - let go.  
  
"Good morning," Teddy whispered hesitatingly and looked up at Billy to find him smiling.  
  
"Morning. How are you feeling?"  
  
"...meh. My head hurts."  
  
"Sounds about right," Billy confirmed and moved to pour Teddy a glass of water. "Doreen and I have been sporting hangovers over that thing. We're both mostly clean now, by the way, so. Oh, speaking of, I'm sorry, but I need to stab you with a needle."  
  
So Billy was fine (and Doreen, too). That was good, Teddy concluded before eyeing the small device Billy floated over from the desk. "...why?"  
  
"It's a tester. Should tell us how bad off you still are."  
  
"I mean, if we have to," Teddy relented and tilted his head. There was a tiny prick that faded instantly; Billy still leaned down and kissed over the spot, leaving a pleasant tingle in his wake. He then looked at the tester and clicked his tongue.  
  
"Not 100% there but it's in the green, as they say."  
  
"I'm always green."  
  
"You're literally pink-skinned right now," Billy teased back and ran his hands through Teddy's hair again. Teddy muttered into his glass of water, enjoying the contact.  
  
"So, uh. What does that mean?"  
  
"It means--" Billy began as he floated up and over Teddy to sit on his side of the bed. "You're going to be a bit emotional for a bit, but not utterly irrational."  
  
"At least that," Teddy concluded in an attempt to sound joking, but all he sounded like was tired. He took a moment to look at Billy, take in how comfortable and open he looked, if still understandably worried. It made a memory from the roof flash through Teddy's mind, leaving him overwhelmed. He palmed his face, an attempt to block the images.  
  
"Hey," Billy called out softly and held his hand out. "Tell me yours, I'll tell you mine?"  
  
There was a long moment in which Teddy stared at that hand through his fingers, stomach churning at the mere thought of talking about it. But if he didn't, it--  
  
"It doesn't have to be now," Billy bargained, but before he could pull his hand away, Teddy grabbed it.   
  
"No. No more secrets." It was a harsh lesson taught by a harsher teacher.  
Billy nodded.   
  
"Right. So, I think I can figure out yours?"  
It was an out Billy gracefully offered. Teddy did feel like more should be said on the matter, but as he just woke up and was still reeling, he accepted it. Billy nodded back, then kept talking while staring at their hands.  
  
"For me, I guess you could say it was more of the same. No one loves me, those who say they do are lying, I'm more trouble than I'm worth, people keep me around only because they need something from me--"  
  
" _Hey_!" Teddy objected, concerned. Billy blinked back before chuckling in embarrassment.   
  
"Sorry, they did say it would take a while before it completely went away... but yeah, basically another day ending in 'y' for me, just cranked up to eleven."  
  
"Is that, uh. Why you held onto Vic, too?" Teddy was pouting, but all Billy could do was grin.  
  
"You're adorable when you're jealous." The pouting intensified, but Billy couldn't enjoy it as he looked away. "Yeah. I haven't had a day so bad in ages. I-- I'm sorry, but it didn't feel like only you would be, well..."  
  
_Only you wouldn't be enough_ , Teddy knew and willed a smile to his lips.  
"Hey, it's ok, we talked about this. We don't have to be 'enough'. It's good to rely on other people, too. Especially if you got _that_ bad."  
  
"Yeah," Billy agreed softly. At a loss of what to say after that, Teddy helped himself to some more water, then stared at the clear liquid in his glass.   
  
"Speaking of..." The words got him Billy's attention, but Teddy wasn't sure how to follow up on that. He knew what he wanted to say, but couldn't bring himself to say it. _Thinking_ about it hurt, but-- no more secrets, right? And Billy _was_ looking at him with those big, brown eyes of his.  
"It's true that-- that _losing you_ is one of my biggest fears. It's definitely up there. But that's not all it was today. What I'm scared of even more is losing you _to yourself_."  
  
There wasn't much Billy could say to that, so he braced for impact and let Teddy continue.  
  
"I know how hard you're fighting, maybe better than anyone, and I don't doubt it when you say having me helps-- having _us_ helps--" He corrected with a broad wave of his hand. "But it's a fight you still fight alone. I can't fight it for you, barely _with_ you. I can't protect you from it. I could take a bullet for you and shrug it off. I can't put out the voices in your head feeding you _lies_. All I can do is hope you won't drown... and even being this honest about it only makes it feel like I'm making this all about me, and piling guilt and blame on you!"  
  
A weak chuckle was all Billy had to offer, and little else besides. Teddy looked at him pleadingly, and before he realized it he was already crawling towards Billy, who welcomed him with open arms.  
"Afraid I don't have anything smart to say to any of that," Billy admitted, nuzzling into Teddy's hair. "It scares me too. It gets so _loud_ sometimes, forget me, I can barely hear any of you. But I can't think about it or I'll just sink faster. The best I can do is go through it one day at a time, and worry about tomorrow when it comes. And hey - it got me this far, right? I'm still here to worry about that... and for you to worry about me."  
  
Teddy nodded and simply let Billy do as he would, kissing his face and wiping away the tears, clear and pure as they should be.


End file.
